Final Fantasy X: Tidus's Quest for Balls
by JMBownz
Summary: After the kidnapping of his secret love, Yuna, Tidus decides to do some sidequesting.


Despite a long, dangerous pilgrimage to Bevelle, and the recent kidnapping of his true love by a possibly-homosexual man who plans to force her into marriage with him, Tidus asked Rikku to have Brother turn the airship around for some treasure hunting. Tidus had heard of a legendary Blitzball in the far West. He knew retrieving it would earn Wakka's approval.

 _Wakka,_ the sound of even his name made Tidus anxious and hard.

Lulu attempted to protest these frivolous side missions, but Tidus simply removed the shitty Steel Blade Auron had given him and sliced apart one of her belts, revealing a little more of her already-lewd attire. It took a few swings, though perhaps it would not if Tidus could figure out how to switch equipment. He hadn't been active since June 2014, so he was having trouble recalling how to undo the straps on his backpack.

"Onward to Mi'hen Highroad!" Tidus exclaimed. Only Rikku clapped. She wanted his dick after all.

As the Airship slowed, Tidus felt a breeze roll past. The air was thick with the scent of Chocobo feces from the nearby rental. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and smiled. As he opened his eyes, they were met with the deep blue stars within Wakka's gentle face.

"T-tidus Chan," Wakka began, "I need to take a shit but there's no bathroom, ya!"

So Tidus grabbed one of Wakka's straps and pulled him close. He turned him so his back faced the airship's rails. Wakka climbed onto the edge of the railing and took down his coveralls. His coveralls were a yellow leather. Tidus wondered how there could be leather if everything turned into sparkly smoke when it died but he shook the thought away and grabbed Wakka's hands. Wakka hung his cute ass over the ground far below them and let out a thin, liquidus line of excrement. Tidus licked his lips, watching as Wakka leaned his head back and let out a sigh in relief.

Wakka pulled up his coveralls without wiping and pulled some ribs from his pocket and began to nibble on them.

Tidus and Wakka walked away as Brother and Cid rushed pass with a massive anchor.

"Wie Savad!" Brother exclaimed flamboyantly.

They dropped the anchor off the side and attempted to tighten the line, but quickly realized there was no rope attached to it. Brother began to act even more flamboyantly. Cid attempted to walk away but Brother, in his fit of crosseyed rage, grabbed him by his bulge, picked him up, and launched him over the side. Brother jumped off after, never to be seen again. Until FFX2, when he is revived using the Lazarus Pit (Detective Comics #45).

Rikku ran to the edge and looked below, stomping and screaming in Al-Bhed. Tidus could almost make out what she was saying, but the words on the screen were terribly confusing with the untranslated letters he was missing primers for.

"Brot _u_ er co _g_ e back _u_ ere and eat _g_ e out!"

Tidus looked back at Wakka, who smiled gently at him.

"B-baka," Wakka said in his peculiarly racist Hawaiian way.

Tidus loved to watch the wind blow Wakka's spiked hair, dancing like a flame atop his hunky hero's beautiful face.

Kimahri, who was still at 1 HP from being sacrificed during their last 5 battles with no Save-Sphere-use, walked to the starboard side of the ship and lifted an arm over his head. The crew watched in awe as a clump of thick Ronso hair shot from his armpit and towards the ground below. After it touched the Earth, Tidus, Lulu, Auron, Rikku, and Wakka-Baka took turns clambering down, leaving behind the beast.

Wakka called to Kimahri to jump down, but the pussy-ass pussy wouldn't budge. Kimahri sat atop the real and began cleaning his asshole and purring loudly.

Tidus had had enough. He ripped the ball from Wakka's hands and threw it with all his might. The ball hit Kimahri, relieving him of his last smidge of HP. The Ronso fell to the ground far below.

As a mysterious song began to play, the crew all began to feel cheerful and to applaud loudly. Once the short tune ended, Kimahri stood back up, at 1 HP once again.

"Kimahri fucking hate you," bitched Kimahri.

Tidus simply threw back his head and faked a laugh. The laugh was almost as majestic as the one he'd taught Yuna-Chan long ago. It seemed to go on forever. And then, as quickly as it began, it stopped. There was an awkward, sexual moment of silence, and then everyone moved on…

As Tidus and the gang (he's in a gang) came around the bend, they saw the locals gathered together. Tidus decided to inspect.

As he came closer he began to hear screams and crying voices. He made his way through the crowd to observe.

Before Tidus was the rubble from a destroyed building and some corpses, covered in blood and some other substance.

"What happened here?" demanded Tidus.

"I'll tell you what happened!" screamed a voice from inside the wreckage.

The crowd rushed in and moved aside the rubble. Beneath the bricks and straw was an old man. His body was bruised and covered in the same substance as all the bodies and rubble.

"What happened old man?" Tidus gently asked the man as he held him in his arms.

The man coughed and spoke aloud, struggling with each word.

"It was coming from the sky... We saw it heading towards us, like a brown crack in the sky! Some of us ran, but those of us too slow could do nothing... It destroyed our home... Killed us all... Except me." He coughed. "It was surely a punishment from the Fayth. We had machina inside. Just a ratcheting spoon. But machina, nonetheless..."

"But what was it?" shouted Tidus. The crowd grew more silent. And then erupted with gasps at the man's next words.

"It was shit! A liquidus line of shit, raining from the sky like a blade! Oh forgive me, Maesters of the past!"

Tidus looked at Wakka with wide eyes. They were responsible for this.

The gang moved away from the crowd and kept moving towards their destination. Finally they walked to the gates of the city. It had been a long time since they'd been back to Luca. At least 14 saves and five ragequits (those aeon battles are fucking tough).

They approached the steep steps and Kimahri went first. Kimahri, however, took the first step wrong and went tumbling head over heels down the four flights of stone stairs. His 1 HP was drained again. The gang all smiled, shook their heads and said, "Oh Kimahri," in condescending unison. The audience began to laugh hysterically as Auron, the awkward jokester of the group smiled mischieviously at the camera.

A guard approached them in green armor with some sort of strange symbol on the chest. Something like a lantern.

"That isn't very safe you know," scolded the guard in a lispy voice. It was Sheldon. The crowd went crazy. One audience member tore off a finger and jammed it up his own asshole in hysteric laughter.

The guard walked away and the crowd fell silent again. After milking every last giggle, Tidus led the team past the merchants' quarters. After going over the river and through the woods, they stopped at a tall, metallic building. Tidus gulped, but felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. It was Wakka.  
"You'll be okay, bruddah."  
Tidus smiled and turned back to the huge doors in front of him. With a deep breath, he opened the door on the right and walked inside. Inside the room was a table with three spheres on it. Beside the table was a sign that read 'You must choose.' Tidus knew not what was in store for him, but somehow he knew he had to pick the one in the center. As he lifted the sphere from the table, he heard a door open from the side of the room. A child with strange hair ran into the room and picked up the sphere to the right of the one Tidus chose.  
"In that case, I'll choose Squirtle!" He shouted with a wide, evil grin.

"Gary!" Tidus shouted in anger.


End file.
